Some thoughts on ending
What if, seeking out new love after a relationship ends wasn’t so bad?
Most will think that sex therapy is about sexual dysfunction. In a lot of ways, it absolutely is. The practice also looks at preserving relationships, managing the loss of many things – even when the relationship is good, and sometimes letting relationships down easily. Sex therapy with me is more often about intimacy than dysfunction.
I find we throw around the word intimacy without ever examining what that means. Yes, it means closeness, but what does that look like for me and my partner(s)? How do I get it or give it? More importantly, why do I want it from a partner I just ended things with?! An important part of intimacy in relationships is sex (imagine!).
Sex is more than P in V. Sex is physical closeness, emotional closeness, vulnerability, humorous and a powerful chemical soup. Sex therapy is also there to help folks learn about love, connection and touch for their own needs.
That’s a long way of saying sex is intimacy. Whoosh.
In the end of it all humans need to connect in more than one way to really find that happy chemical zing we’re all looking for. Touch and closeness are SUPER important.
The End
So you just broke up and your find yourself slogging the grief, the pain, and all you want to do is hold … anyone. But that rational part of your brain is going “woah there cowboy! You need to slow down. Don’t jump into anything wild. You need to slow down.”
We often find ourselves talking about “taking our time” and “working on me” before seeking out relationships again in an attempt not to get hurt. A social paradox exists where we desire touch connection because we’re supposed to. Sexologists have been researching and publishing on the human need for sex and intimacy for decades. The evidence is pretty clear, we need love, touch and sex. That comes with a high probability of getting hurt again and that’s why loving is one of the most vulnerable things we can do.
Without love we just wall ourselves in, we get cold and lonely – stuck. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to feel that way. It doesn’t make sense to deny yourself of the healing thing we need when we’re in distress.
Okokok
Before we go off on the “BUT HEIDI…!” My asterisk to this is – move with intention and mindfulness. Blindly leading with only emotion often does not take us to the places we want to be, and we cannot discount the wisdom of those emotions. We need both ration and emotion (Hi, DBT!) to fuel us towards a sense of wellbeing.